She Is in the Wind

Our daughter Katie checked herself out of the group home this week. She said she needed freedom. Since nobody has legal custody over her, she was free to go and nothing we offered her enticed her to stay. During this last week she tried to get a loan online and ended up having her identity and credit stolen. Her bank account is frozen and she is so manic she can't be reasoned with at all. She walked away from her job without giving notice and cut off several people that were trying to help her. Katie's plans changed repeatedly as she tried to find someone to take her in. We offered to put her into a hotel for a few days while we tried to reset her life in some way, but she refused. Instead, she bought an airplane ticket to Florida, slept in the airport all night and has taken off for a distant friend's home. She is sure she will get a job in Florida at Walmart and all will be just great. She is also sure that her Medicaid and SSI will transfer within a matter of days, too.

She admitted that her ultimate goal was always to get to Florida and this friend. We are utterly exhausted and heartbroken. We are also so confused. She has a low IQ and makes so many crazy, dumb mistakes. Yet she managed to go to the airport and buy a ticket all by herself. She has never flown before! One thing I can always say about Katie. She has way more guts than anyone else I know. She throws herself into all kinds of things with no caution for her well being. She has always been this way. 

So far, she is sending a text here and there. I am not sure that will continue once she actually makes it to her friend. She generally only keeps up relationships that are useful to her. We won't be useful soon.

Everyone on her team is beside themselves and some are shocked. I am a little less surprised. Katie generally does what she wants and there is almost no way to stop her. Some others on her team thought she could be enticed to stay or that she would care about her commitments or relationships with them. I knew none of that was true and thought she was getting close to running. That knowledge doesn't make this experience any easier, though. 

We are facing one more hard week on the schedule before embracing Christmas. I pray things calm down and Katie is safe so we can relax a little bit in December. 

Blessings, Dawn

Katie Graduates!

What an emotional experience this graduation was for me as a Mother to this very special needs daughter. I feel so relieved that she has received her high school diploma. This was a goal that seemed so far out of reach at times yet felt so very important. She was homeschooled until the 8th grade and has been in public school ever since due to extreme circumstances. I could say so much negative stuff about the public school system in our area, but I will leave that out of this celebratory post.

Our relationship with Katie has been so strained in the last year that we were not even sure we would be invited to her graduation. In the end she did invite us and dropped off the tickets the day before.

The whole experience was much more pleasant than we expected. The ceremony was lovely and moved at a quick pace considering there were 325 graduates. The whole experience was rather overwhelming for Katie. She managed to get through it without any major issues and had a pleasant attitude. 

She looks confused because she couldn't find us in the crowd at first.

After the ceremony, we took her to her residential therapeutic home for a small reception. She didn't have any friends over, but there were therapists, a respite worker who had worked with her for 14 years, her church youth leader and a few special adults who had helped her through the years. It was a nice party and Katie received our gifts well and without complaint. She had requested a homemade apple pie, which I made for her, and we also gave her some fun books on cooking and "adulting" plus a bit of cash.

The next steps in her life are a bit uncertain. She is starting an internship through vocational rehab at a restaurant this Friday. The state will monitor her progress and pay her salary for up to six months if everyone agrees it is a good fit. After that, the restaurant can choose to hire her or she will have to move on. She will be washing dishes and chopping vegetables. She also has been accepted to an independent living program, which she will be moving to at some point in the next 6 months. Sadly, it is only a 90 day program. At the time she went on the list for this program, it was 18 months long and included training in a specialty, such as food services. Due to many budget cuts, all but 90 days have now been cut from it. This program will teach her independent living skills and monitor her progress for several years (IF she reaches out to them for help). I am relieved that there is something there for her, but I wish it was more wraparound services that lasted longer. Nonetheless, we are blessed that, so far, she has been provided for, and we have to stand in faith that she will continue to get the services that make her life safe for her and others who cross her path.

Today I will focus on the dominant feeling in my heart. I feel such a sense of relief that this chapter in her life has been successfully accomplished.

Blessings, Dawn

Week 5 ~ Just a Rough Week

What is it about week 5 of each school year that tends to be hard? This was one of those weeks that just didn't feel very successful. It was just all around difficult. We struggled all week to get through  lessons and maintain our routines while taking on a full out-of-the-home schedule. Then there is the broken dryer that has been down for several weeks now and dear husband's car troubles which meant extra juggling and driving on my part. Then there is Hurricane Florence who is headed toward us. We are not sure how much she will impact us this weekend. They are predicting that we will get about 6-8 inches, which would certainly make our already high rivers flood and may make next week challenging (but nothing like those are dealing with near the coast ~ our prayers go out to them). Finally, our relationship with our daughter Goldilocks has taken another sad turn. She is safe and we are safe for the moment, but all of those underlying fears for our safety mixed with the desperate feelings we have for her future are very raw this week. We are praying that we make the right choices and moves in this endless life or death chess match with our mentally ill and emotionally unstable daughter.

Dean's homework for art this week ~

Blessings, Dawn

Update On Goldilocks

If only this smile was a real reflection of how Goldilocks feels about us.

My husband and I attended back to school night this week. It was a hard night all around for us. We have been devoted homeschool parents for 16 years. To say we felt uncomfortable in the classroom of a day treatment program in the public school would be an understatement. However, for the most part we were treated kindly by the staff. When it comes to raising Goldilocks, all of our expectations, hopes and dreams as parents and knowledge about how to raise kids has been dashed.

Nothing...NOTHING that we have tried has worked with this child. It was disheartening and exhausting to hear this new brand of professionals carrying on about how they were "going to teach her the tools to help her come home and be kind and respectful to her family". Really?! Do they think she hasn't been taught those tools since she was two years old by her family, friends, Sunday school teachers, therapists, one-on-one workers, psychiatrists, caseworkers, and so many more? They also told us that she was doing well and was a delight in class. I know that this is what most parents dream to hear, but it broke our hearts. You see, when we were living with Goldilocks and she was abusing us and acting out with so many negative behaviors, we thought she couldn't help it. We thought she was unable to pull herself together and behave. We thought that there was something so wrong in her brain that she was unable to be calm and kind. Now, it has been over five months since she ran away from home. She is doing well in her out of home placement, did fairly well at camp and now is being successful at day treatment. Yes, all of these environments are incredibly therapeutic and have very small adult-to-child ratios. In fact, the ratio of adult to student is smaller in day treatment than my homeschool classroom was when she was here. BUT it is still a shock to realize that she (in some ways) chose to treat us the way she did. She has even told her caregivers that she could have behaved better -- if she had wanted to.

As for us ~ her family ... Now that we have escaped the chaos, screaming, taunting, hitting, pinching, biting, growling, death threats, destruction of property, stealing, sneaking, and hatred that Goldilocks treated us to everyday, we don't want to live that way anymore. Who could blame us? For ELEVEN years we did everything professionals told us to do and for ELEVEN years she treated us like that. We have discovered what it is like to breathe, relax, take a mid-day catnap without worrying about anyone's safety, and just enjoy each other. All of the children, including our adult son, have begged us to never let her come back. This whole situation is so heartbreaking. We can't make any promises to them. The state certainly expects to put her back someday. Even Goldilocks says she plans to come home someday (when she is ready but she's clear she doesn't want to come home at this time). Don't get me wrong -- we all love Goldilocks. We want what is best for her. We will fight for a long time into the future to give her the best opportunities we can. However, I totally can't imagine LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE with her again. Our hearts are bleeding, and we are being stretched in ways that are so painful.

A few more changes and facts ~

• Our private caregiver's license has finally come through. Goldilocks should be authorized for this service in a matter of days. All this means that we should be done with the phase of private paying within a week. Thank goodness. We are totally out of money and she was going to have to move, possibly out of the state in a matter of days. We look forward to only paying the co-pay which is still many hundreds of dollars every month. However, hundreds of dollars is better than thousands of dollars every month, and while we are struggling financially, we will find a way to cope.   
• She should be able to stay in day treatment for six to nine months. 
• We are hoping that she can stay in intensive therapeutic foster care for at least a year ~ hopefully longer.
• Goldilocks and the rest of the kids saw each other at the state fair last week. Her class was on a field trip and we ran into them. It was the first time the kids had seen each other since that fateful night that Goldilocks ran away. Everyone was really stressed by the encounter, even though it was peaceful.

I just keep saying, "God is in control". This experience is way too big for me to deal with alone.

Blessings, Dawn

Week 3 ~ Milestones

This week was filled with milestones. 

Tim ~ Our son Timothy recently passed his first anniversary at the brain injury day program he attends four days a week. It has been such a blessing to him. This week the day program had a party to celebrate their fifth year serving our area. We are very glad they opened a program in our area. Timothy has the opportunity to have so many experiences in a safe and supportive environment.

Timothy and Tom Sawyer playing pool at the party.

The great staff that cares for all of the clients.

Tom Sawyer ~ Tom Sawyer finally started pool therapy in addition to continuing regular physical therapy. He is doing well, although they seem to find some new concern or weakness each time he is examined. He had a few small scares this week, but he seems to be really learning how to stop and take care of himself when he feels a strange pop of his muscles.

Little Red Riding Hood ~ Little Red Riding Hood went on her very first sleepover this week. She had a wonderful time. She loved every minute of it and can't wait to do it again someday. In addition to the sleepover, she attended a free crocheting class at the local craft store. In just one short lesson, she learned how to crochet. Before the day was out, she had made a hat for her stuffed bear.

Eating breakfast with the twins at the sleepover.

Goldilocks ~ I wish I could say that Goldilocks had passed a milestone. Well, she has been out of our home for a full four months now. I can't believe it has been this long. She is still in respite and we are still private paying. The system moves so slowly in getting her services and getting insurance to take on some of the cost. We have received a few scholarships and for those we are very grateful. Hopefully, we will finally get her established in the system this month. We only have about two more hoops to jump through. As for Goldilocks, she is enjoying a special needs camp very much. She becomes very distraught when she has to see us (which is only seeing me at psychological appointments) and wishes "to fade out of our family like the girl in Harry Potter" as she recently said. The therapist says this is because she is mentally unstable and cannot deal with all of the emotions of living and being loved by a family.

Highlights of Our School Week ~ We did all of the normal subjects and a bit of extra fun, too. The kids enjoyed a poetry tea with Longfellow. We listened to Paul Revere's Ride, The Village Blacksmith (my favorite), and The Children's Hour. We will be exploring Longfellow for the first ten weeks of school. We celebrated J. K. Rowling (and Harry Potter's) birthday (July 31) by reading a biography of J. K. Rowling and watching the movie, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. We also started the book, The Four Story Mistake, which we are enjoying just as much as The Saturdays. We barely started our next literature unit study, which is The Year of Miss Agnes. I will speak more on our unit study next week.

Blessings, Dawn

Two Celebrations, A Trial and An Update

Update ~ Goldilocks' therapeutic caregiver has decided to go through the extensive training (which she already has but needs to take the classes anyway) and licensing to be a very specialized mental health foster parent. She will be only the fifth in our county with this training. This means that Goldilocks can stay where she is for many months before stepping down to a less restrictive form of care. This is great news. The bad news is it all takes time and will cost us thousands of dollars in the next two to three months while we wait for licensing. Then we will have to pay a substantial room and board fee monthly to the mental health agency. However, the overall picture is good news and we will just have to wait and see how the finances will work out.

Tom Sawyer Turns 12 ~ We had a wonderful birthday celebration for Tom Sawyer. He decided to have a very small birthday party this year with just four boys invited. He just wanted to embrace calmness. We are all craving that around here. We kicked off his birthday with dry ice fun. We used long 1 1/2 inch diameter PVC pipe with an end cap. Then the boys added warm water, dry ice and food coloring. My dh supervised this fun activity.

The result is colorful smoke. The kids then added dish soap, which made bubbles.

The general theme of the party was Minecraft, but Tom Sawyer really only wanted Minecraft decorations.

Tom Sawyer loved the organic soda with the label that said "potion of healing". I think that was his favorite decoration of all! Our party favors were Mad Libs which were popular. It was a happy birthday for our boy!

The Special Olympics Qualifier ~ Tom Sawyer attended the qualifier for our county this past week. He did really well and performed his routine in front of a judge on all of the apparatuses. He got really nice scores and took a first place ribbon in five events for Level 1!

A Trial ~ Tom Sawyer fell off of a chair while changing a light bulb last night. He instantly started screaming and was in intense pain. After applying ice and seeing that his knee was swelling up like a grapefruit, we took him to the ER. Through x-rays and a CT scan they found that he had a patellar avulsion fracture (a fracture of the underside of his knee cap). We do not know yet what all of this will mean for the Special Olympics, his dance classes, his performing in the upcoming Alice and Wonderland or any other sport activities in the near future. For now, he is in a leg brace and on crutches. He is sleeping through the day on high doses of Advil. He will see an orthopedist early next week to determine what care he is going to need and how long it will take to heal.

Your prayers for our family are so appreciated. Thank you!

Blessings, Dawn

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Spring has Sprung!

In My Life ~ We received the news that Goldilocks was turned down for the Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility (PRTF) we applied to recently. They felt that her needs were to challenging for their program. In some ways, I agree with them. The amount of processing (conversations about feelings) that she is needing every day from her therapeutic respite care provider to stay stable is astounding. Even with the high end care she is receiving right now, she is having many voices and trouble staying focused in the real world. We are praying that a change in medication will help next week. Her case worker feels that she may not fit into any PRTF and may need an even higher level of care in the near future. We are focusing on what to do next. Her caregiver has agreed to keep her for a few more weeks while we search for the best fit.

Outdoor fun ~ We took the first step in transforming our yard into a tween/teen haven this week with the purchase of a new trampoline. The kids are in love with it and spent many hours on it this week.

We will be making some more changes in the coming weeks. I look forward to them having a safe place to exercise.

Field Trips ~ We attended the Lego Club this week. It was Little Red Riding Hood's turn to present her Lego creation. She made a candy land drive thru!

We also went to the nature center this week. All of the animals were snoozing. I guess they are adjusting to the increase in pollen and temperatures too. The kids liked seeing the new playground structures that were added around the park.

Otters fast asleep

Homeschooling ~  Nothing really exciting to report in the homeschool world. We are doing lots of math, language arts and writing. Little Red Riding Hood will be tested next week and Tom Sawyer the week after that. I have ordered Goldilocks's test and she will be tested by her caregiver in the next week or two. The most exciting things we have done in homeschool is watch two Imax movies from Netflix and we are listening to From Norvelt to Nowhere which is the sequel of  Dead End in Norvelt.  The kids have really enjoyed both audio books. There seems to be a cliff hanger every chapter. Warning: The humor is a bit on the dark side and deals with death.

Counting Blessings ~ 

• I made it to the chiropractor this week. My back was killing me. 
• Our team of professionals continue to be supportive in helping us get the best care for Goldilocks.
• We are so blessed to have a large back yard to provide safe play space for our kids.
• There were less phone calls to make this week!
• I AM SO THANKFUL FOR HOMESCHOOLING AND THE FLEXIBILITY IT ALLOWS.

On the blog this week~ I wrote about the importance of flexibility in homeschooling and encouraging another to carry the torch with Goldilocks's education.

Blessings, Dawn

A Day in the Life ~ In Pictures

Here is a peek into our day. It was a little bit calmer than the last few days have been. As the days slip by since Goldilocks left, we are slowly finding our "new normal" (at least for now). This is a pretty typical day this week. Our school load is lighter and we are turning our attention to more writing and math. We will be returning to World War II studies soon, but for now we just need to concentrate on the 3R's in preparation for end-of-year testing.

7:30 am ~ Tom Sawyer and Timothy eat breakfast while watching The Indiana Jones movies 20 minutes at a time. It is their new morning routine time together.

8:10 am ~ We pick up the completed application from our caseworker and therapist to hand deliver to a Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility (PRTF) that we hope will accept Goldilocks. A lot hinges on this application.

9:00 am ~ After dropping off Tim at his day program and driving out to deliver the application to the PRTF, we give ourselves a self-guided tour of the PRTF property. It is a big working farm with lots of buildings and mountain views. We are told it has an excellent reputation.

9:40 am ~ We are home and begin school. After watching CNN Student News and doing math, the kids work on spelling. 

10:45 am ~ I read two books to the children which covers music and science. We watch a few quick clips of a ballet school in China.

11:50 am ~ BLT's for lunch. Bacon is a comfort food around here. Thank goodness the organic nitrate-free bacon is too expensive to eat it often!

12:15 pm ~ It is time for some fresh air before going to Tom Sawyer's therapy appointment.

2:15 pm ~ Goodness, when we are leaving therapy, Goldilocks's therapist  gives this giant bear to Little Red Riding Hood! The therapist knows she loves teddy bears and says they are renovating the office and don't have room for the bear. The gesture is very well appreciated by Little Red. The bear is so big that the seat is folded down and the bear is siting on the floor while Little Red Riding Hood is on a chair!! We run a few errands while waiting to pick up Tim.

3:10 pm ~ We return from picking up Tim. Tom Sawyer and Little Red Riding Hood take turns working on some skill based chores one on one with me. Little Red Riding Hood draws a bunny while she waits to learn how to clean grout in the bathroom.

3:45 pm ~ The laundry is caught up, Daddy is almost home, and everyone has free time. By some miracle I have only spent about one hour on the phone today working on getting Goldilocks' services and updating my family on the latest about her.

5:00 pm ~ A friend from our adoption support group dropped off dinner. We eat loaded chili cheese fries. It was delicious.

6:00 pm ~ Daddy takes his turn visiting Goldilocks at the hospital. She is responding very well to the institutionalized setting and states that she finally feels safe. She doesn't have to deal with many people, events, stuff or choices. She prefers the controlled environment of the psychiatric hospital, but misses the outdoors. Our prayers are that we will secure a placement that will help her to heal and feel secure until she is capable of coming home.

While Daddy is at the hospital the rest of us snuggle up and watch a movie.
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So, that was our day. We also listened to the audiobook, Dead End In Norvelt, whenever we were in the car. This is a very funny story that is giving us a few giggles.

Update ~ Goldilocks was just released from the psychiatric ward. She returned to our therapeutic respite care provider. We are hoping to hear from the PRTF that our application has been accepted in the next few days. I just keep reminding myself that God is in the details. We have been abundantly blessed in how all of this has unfolded. Counting blessings:

• No one was hurt during this psychiatric crisis, and the more we find out, the more we realize the danger she was in and we were in.
• Everyone agrees on the level of care required to help Goldilocks (including even the insurance company!!).
• We have gotten so much support from the professionals on our team.
• Our adoption social worker was filled with kind words and gave us some important information which will help keep us financially secure as we embark on this journey.
• Everyday I am seeing growth and healing in my children who are still here at home.
• Goldilocks is showing through her words and actions that we have had a profound impact on her despite that she finds it nearly impossible to love us or to feel our love (her words). She has shown to us and to the hospital staff that she actually has our core values instilled in her and these will help on her journey during the next few months.
• Our therapeutic respite care provider is willing to keep Goldilocks for a few more weeks if necessary.
• Goldilocks is safe...

Blessings, Dawn

Week 31 ~ What a week!

We are hanging in there and riding the wave of life as best we can right now. If you read my last post, Homeschooling Through a Crisis, you know that Goldilocks was admitted to a psychiatric hospital this week. I have spent 5 to 7 hours on the phone every day trying to get Goldilocks help, find out about placements and funding. I am really emotionally exhausted, so this will be a short post.

Monday ~ Our son Timothy turned 24 on Monday. How is that even possible? He never wants very much and isn't demanding in the "stuff" department. He wanted a calm,  at-home family party. He took a German chocolate cake to his day program (for brain injured adults) and then we had Pizza Hut pizza and deviled food cake for dinner at home. We hadn't had Pizza Hut in years. We gave Tom Sawyer all kinds of supplements to counteract the wheat and corn, but it still wrecked him for a few days. Timothy's favorite presents were a subscription to Netflix and a box filled with 24 snacks! He also loved getting the complete set of Indiana Jones movies.

Tuesday ~ Tuesday started off normal. I went off to meet with Goldilocks' therapist. However, her mental health team ended up deciding that Goldilocks was so unstable that she needed to be moved to a psychiatric hospital. The process to get into the hospital is by way of the ER. It was a long and sometimes frightening 7 hour process. I am so thankful that Goldilocks' respite care provider stayed with us and helped smooth the way. She is great at the mental health side of things and I am great at the medical side of things, so we made a good supportive team for Goldilocks. Giving your child to a facility like that and watching the big locked metal doors clang shut behind her knocks the wind right out of you!!

Wednesday to Friday ~ The rest of the week was a blur of hours and hours and hours of phone calls. I have visited Goldilocks once and will be allowed another visit later today. She is allowed a 5 to 10 minute phone call each day, depending on what level of privileges she has earned. I can call the nurse to check on her whenever I want, but communication with her hospital social worker, doctor and therapist has been slow and scattered.

Homeschooling...What's That?! ~ We have limped along and done about a half of a week's worth of school this week. We finished Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and started Dead End, which our librarian assures us will keep us in stitches of laughter. We managed math every day and read a wonderful book called The Journey that Saved Curious George: The True Wartime Escape of Margret and H.A. Rey. Little Red Riding Hood wrote several papers about her favorite holiday (Easter) and finished a workbook. Tom Sawyer read three short chapter books this week. Grandma came over and helped the kids get through about a dozen Language Arts workbook pages and we managed two spelling lessons. We also watched South Pacific. Lastly, Little Red Riding Hood made several Disney princess rubber band figurines (art).

Accepting Help And Counting Blessings ~ I am thankful for the homeschooling and babysitting help my Mother gave me this week. I also reached out and asked my adoption support group for a few freezer meals. We received the first one last night and we are grateful for the kindness. According to some of our team, this will be my life for the next 3 to 5 weeks -- hours of phone calls and transitions
 -- so the meals will be a great help. I am grateful that we are being heard by the professionals and that the doors are opening. I also appreciate all of my blogging friends for their kind words and prayers. I am grateful for my side kick, Boomer. He recognizes that my stress level is very high and has sat at attention next to me for days to protect me. He even fell asleep sitting at attention next to me a few times! What a loyal dog. We are so blessed!

Blessings, Dawn