Friday, April 4, 2014

So Many Emotions

I don't even know where to start an update. It seems like weeks have gone by instead of 6 days since I last posted. Goldilocks (13) is still safe and in respite care. She has made it very clear that she does not want to come home. The professionals also agree that she should not be in the home until she gets some intensive help with her emotions. She has stated that she thinks she will hurt someone if she comes home. We (her parents) also agree that she should not be at home. For years she has threatened her siblings and me with bodily harm (she never threatened my husband), and those threats seem much more likely to be carried out now that she has followed through on her long-term threat to run away. She also is struggling with multiple "voices" in her mind telling her what to do. This is not the first time she has mentioned this and the doctors have growing concerns about what might be causing the voices. We also found out that although she was found only 3 miles from our home, she went on a 6 1/2 mile journey that involved visiting a fast food restaurant and asking advice from several strangers along the way. She is pleased with herself and still sees no reason to be concerned about what danger she was in during her run. For now, she will probably be in respite for the entire month while we try to get her into a year round residential school for children like her. There is one with a great reputation within 20 minutes from our home. This is our current choice. They will have an opening in late April or early May. Now we just have to convince post-adoptive services (for foster children who have been adopted) and our medical insurance to help pay for it. The professionals are working on it and think we have a very clear cut case.

On the homefront...sleep has been eluding me this week. I have enjoyed watching the sunrise each morning (there is always a silver lining). I have cried buckets of tears and have fluctuated between crying over the loss of our child or at least the dream of raising our child and relief that we are finally getting help. The kids and I have been resting and starting the healing process this week. I can't express how calm and easy parenting is without the constant demands of maintaining line of sight with Goldilocks so that everyone can remain safe. The demands to keep Goldilocks in control took so much of my time that I don't know how I ever stayed on top of anything else. The stress level in our home has dropped a significant amount. 

This week called for lots of cuddles, talking, processing with the children what was going to happen to Goldilocks, watching movies, play dates with friends and rest.

Saturday ~ I had talked to so many people the previous night when she ran, asking for prayers and to keep an eye out for Goldilocks, so needed to spend 7 to 8 hours on Saturday calling everyone back with an update.
Sunday ~ We were desperate for some kind of distraction and to get away from the phone. We went to church and then roller skating. 
Monday ~ We went to a friend's home for a play date. She pampered us. She fed us lunch and cupcakes. She and I watched several episodes of Pioneer Woman Cooks while the kids played. We then went to dance classes.
Tuesday ~ We went to therapy for Tom Sawyer (Goldilocks' therapist was sick but spoke to me over the phone). We did a bit of workbook school and then Grandma did a scratch art project with the kids. In the evening, we went to the family support network meeting for special needs families. The kids got lots of support in their kid support groups. The meeting coordinators organized a huge egg hunt.

Wednesday ~ We attended a new Lego Club just developed at the library. It looks like it is going to be a blast. I am not sure who had more fun, the kids or the young male librarian. We did math and started listening to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. We also spent a few hours at dance class.

Thursday ~ We had another morning play date. In the afternoon, we started our unit study on Einstein which we will be doing for the next few weeks. Tom Sawyer loves that Einstein hated wearing socks. Tom Sawyer couldn't agree more. We finished Hiltler's Youth, which is a fascinating look at how Hitler took over the minds of the youth in Germany.

Friday ~ Today we have more doctor appointments, more phone calls to make and more life to live. We will have art class with our friends and Grandma. We plan to learn about Piet Mondrian. I also hope to have them watch a video about families in Germany today. I am sure there will also be a bit of workbook school.

Please keep us (especially Goldilocks) in your prayers. Thank you.

Blessings, Dawn


  1. Dawn -- I am keeping all of you in my prayers. Oh, that picture of the sunrise made me cry for you - thinking of you and your heart breaking and you not being able to sleep. I know God will work all of this for good - it's just SO hard when you are in the middle of something so difficult. Huge hugs to you, Dawn.

  2. Thinking of you Dawn as you go thru this challenging moment in time. It will be ok. I know you know that. HUGS!

  3. (hugs) Dawn, we have been praying for you all week. I know how you are feeling. Although my situation is entirely different and a lot less volatile, I understand the momma's heart breaking over special needs children. I love how you count your blessings and the smiles on your other children's faces show how much they are feeling relief. I wish I were near you to give you a hug and a cup of tea. I am amazed at how much you were able to do even as your heart was aching. You are an amazing and strong woman.

  4. We are still praying for your family Dawn. I cannot imagine how difficult it it is to handle the array of emotions this situation brings. I agree with Mary, that God will work all of this for the best, but it is difficult at the moment to see the end.

  5. Dawn, I just wish we lived close enough so that we could sit down and talk. I understand too well the feelings of sadness, disappointment in what you thought life would be like with your child, the relief, helping the other children heal, and the peacefulness in the home when that child isn't there. So many conflicting emotions!

    I cannot believe that she traveled over six miles! I can't even imagine how she did that, but am so thankful that she did it safely.

    Praying for Goldilocks, for all of you, and that she gets the help she needs. It would be wonderful if she could get into the facility that's so near to you.

    We're also dealing with the voices, and seem to be at the same point you are with trying to figure that out.

    You're such a good mom, and it sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing with the rest of your family. I know it's exhausting dealing with the emotions, and the endless phone calls and paperwork, but I'm hoping that you can get to a place of peacefulness and healing for your family.


  6. I've been praying. This is so hard. When I was a public school teacher I had a student who likewise didn't understand that his actions were not good or safe. He needed high intervention. The stress level went down in our classroom too. Praying for the best for all...

  7. I've been praying for your family and will continue to pray for healing and for treatment for Goldilocks. I can't imagine the range of emotions that you are dealing with this week. You're constantly in my thoughts. I hope that everything can move forward for Goldilocks to receive the treatment that she needs. Keep strong my friend.

  8. No wonder you feel like it's been forever since you've written, because in life experience that is forever. I'll be praying things calm down for Goldilocks.

  9. Sending thoughts and hugs your direction.

  10. Please know we are still praying over here in England. I'm so completely behind in blogging at the moment, but we do pray each day for your family.Cx

  11. My sweet friend I am catching up and my heart is breaking for you. Please know we are praying here in Alabama.

  12. I haven't had time to read and catch up with everyone in a while, and when I sat down and started reading this morning, I felt so heartbroken for you. I can't imagine all the thoughts and feelings that you've had swirling through your head as your family has gone through this crisis. I'll be praying for you and your family as you transition into this new stage of parenting with Goldilocks and the rest of your children.